wow, this is excellent. probably one of my favorites that you've done. you keep a steady theme without overdoing it with artistic allusions every other word. the metaphors and alliteration usage lends itself to a quick and lyrical reading. great job young squire.

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Sprinkle Joy
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is quite excellent. Poverty and squallor become an art created by those higher up. At least that's what I understand at near 2 a.m. I'm surprised this doesn't have more comments...

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TriptychR's signature sheepishly says hello.

That last stanza is a definite standout. The broken lamppost line as well. This first struck me as a "growing up/out" piece but then took on a different meaning as it developed, and I like that.

Oh, you... this poem is amazing. I'm surprised it doesn't have a zillion comments and faves already [me gotta pimp it ]
I love your point, and the way you slam it down at the end. And mmmm that second stanza is deliciously composed. Melancholic in a way, but not whiny, knowwhatimean? Anyway, I'm blown away and you're amazing!



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+ thehungersite.com
+ suture | artists for charity | 2envision

Fix that slash there!

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-i: a.i,=n_

That wasn't my slash. It was Deviantart's slash due to poor coding of escape characters.

The time I tried to fix it, it didn't work.
I will, however, try again. Thanks for the suggestion.

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Seek and ye shall find.

reread this - your work is really intriguing me lately. Though I'd suggest the same with this piece as I did with the other - play with line breaks, try the "less is more" approach by using puncuation instead of breaking up the lines, but keep the stanzas. something tells me for some reason that will somehow gel these pieces of yours even stronger...let me know how it goes.

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Breaking entering
The dark and lonely places
Finding a big gun

Thank you
This is actually one I planned to come back to since I wasn't totally satisfied with the beginning stanza. I like the suggestions and I'll see what I can do.

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Seek and ye shall find.

Wow, this is powerful wording, to me it came solemnly voiced. For a piece to do that the placement of the words has to be precise and in my reading it never strayed from the tone I got out of it.

The other strong point is that it takes an uncertain course but it somehow drives to where it ends to make sense and send the reader a tinge of emotion. Yeah you took me with this one.

Though I would suggest to finer brush the second part of the second stanza. Another thing that I personally always take in consideration is the use of 'the' versus 'a', the former tends to make things somewhat absolute, the latter seems to give more stretch to the nouns. But overall, great piece.

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Suture membrane or tissue issuer

I'm jus' here and now

Thanks man I actually thought the first stanza was rougher, but I think some restructuring is in order throughout. I actually have an updated version I plan on uploading tonight. Mostly re-linebreaking.

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Seek and ye shall find.